Sick

All the things I need within reach of my bed......

If you are a friend of mine on FB and/or elsewhere, you know that I have been under the weather. That's actually putting it mildly. I have never felt so crappy in I don't know how long. I am usually a pretty healthy person, comparatively, and to be sick for more than a couple days is taxing. It's been a week, 7 days, 168 hours of pure torture. I am sneezing, coughing, dizzy, achy (sp?) and SO tired. I took 2 days off last week and then had a pro D which I went to, although I regretted that decision and then the weekend, and now another ProD which I also went to cause I was presenting, and now I am at home in bed. I am not made for illness. I get stir crazy. I know that I have work I NEED to do ( it's report card season) and I have NO time to be sick!! I am not the type of person to lie around and lounge all day for days on end. Once and a while sure, but 7 days of it and I get so frustrated by my inability to function in a vertical position for any length of time I want to SCREAM!! So after 5 days of having the pressure of knowing that report cards are due on Friday and not being mentally able to for a coherent sentence to save my life, I decided enough is enough, "body" I said, "you are going to function and I am going to write report cards, enough of this crap, you will perform" and I did. I wrote half of my comments in one day! My head was not happy, but I don't have time to just lay there. I need to be productive. Granted, I can lie in bed while typing (yeah for laptops) but forced myself to do the work. So now I am again lying in bed ( I never thought I would spend so much time in one place that I would start to hate it, but much more of this and I will start to hate my bed GASP) and writing. First this blog entry and then report cards. I am not back to my old self, and I am not sure if this entry made any sense or said anything worthwhile, but I am coming out the other side of this illness, which I have labelled the "cold on steroids with a side of mind altering hallucinations" and I hope that I won't relapse cause I couldn't take that. I have had ENOUGH, enough I tell you!!

This whine has been brought to you today by the letters " TYLENOL COLD AND SINUS"

Fear or the absence of knowing

     In life fear is the thing that stops you from doing a lot of things. It stops you from taking that leap of faith, from making a decision that could change your life. It is the voice in your head that says, "it may turn out well, that's true, but more likely it will go badly, or it won't work out" Fear is the enemy's biggest weapon against us, because all he has to do is put that feeling of unease or insecurity in our minds, and we do the rest. We blow it up and make the decision or the next step so much larger and scarier than it really is.

The most scary thing for me, the thing that makes me stop and not want to try something or do something is the fear of not knowing. Not knowing what the outcome will be, not knowing that everything will be all right. Not knowing if I am acceptable, or smart enough, or good enough, or interesting enough, or worthy enough. Not knowing deep down that I matter. This fear, and it really is fear, it's not that I necessarily hate myself or anything, cause really I do like who I am, I just am not convinced that people I meet will like me for me, keeps me from moving forward with things. I am afraid of people. I am afraid of rejection. I think most people are to some degree or another. I wish that I had the confidence to say that I don't really care if someone likes me or not, that I am me and that's all I can be, and oh well if you don't like me. I can't. I do care. Is everyone going to like me?, of course not. I know that. It doesn't mean that I like it. It does mean that I sometimes think that if I just changed who I am, then maybe people would like me more, would see the value in me.

God and I talk about this a lot. See, He is the solution to this problem of fear. He is the one who can take this fear away. He is the one who can make me see myself as valuable, and worthy. Time and time again He has reminded me that my value and worth doesn't come from how successful my life is, how amazing of a personality I have, how beautiful I am, how many friends I have, or how much money I make. It comes from the sacrifice He made for me. He loved me so much, that He died for me. He thought that I was worth it. He thought that my life, even though to him it is over in the blink of an eye, it was worth saving. He laid His life down for me so I could live forever with Him. Who else can say that the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe came to Earth for 30+ years just so He could be nailed to a tree and die just for them? He did it for me, cause He saw me coming, and knew that I was worth it. You know something? He thought the same thing about you too!! Did you know that? He thinks you're worth it too! He truly does. He knows that you will question it, maybe even reject it cause you think it's not true. It is though, it is the only truth that really matters, and it's the only truth that can replace, reject, reshape, remove the fear that we hold on to. If we let Him in, if we constantly hand it over, give it to Him, let Him show us that we have nothing to fear as long as we are walking with Him, then the fear loses its power. It can no longer keep us from doing what God would have us do, or be who God wants us to become. We don't know what will happen in the future, only He does. We don't know how others are going to perceive us, but even if they reject us, God is there with us through that too. He is beside us with each step, loving on us so much that if we would receive it in its entirety we would be so overwhelmed and we would be forever changed. It isn't easy for me to receive that kind of life changing love, but every day, I hope, I get a little bit closer to seeing myself as God sees me. How amazing I must be to Him that He would care so much. How frustrating too, I would imagine....haha....

It may be a Christmas song, but so powerful.....