BAM

So it's been a big week, well not big, I don't know, hard...not in a bad way, not really...momentous....wow the right adjective is just not coming. Instructive? I think BAM would be a good adjective. Is it an adjective? Ok enough with the word play. So at church we are going through the book of Matthew. We have been going through Matthew for about 2 years, and we are finally on the passion week. So the story that we focused on was the story of Mary Magdalene pouring perfume over Jesus' head as he is eating a meal at Simon the Leper's house. It is also the point in the Narrative where Judas decides to hand Jesus over to the religious leaders for 30 pieces of silver (which is the same amount that a man would be paid if his slave was killed by a bull).
Here is the Story

So Pastor Darren was speaking about (see July 10th 2011) seeing this narrative through the eyes of the different characters in this story, and the last person he focused on was Judas. He was explaining how Matthew makes the point of illuminating that Judas was "one of the twelve". Judas was in the inner crowd, one of Jesus' friends. Judas was part of the inner crowd, the same as John,(whom Jesus loved) Peter (who Jesus renamed "the Rock"). These twelve men were Jesus' friends, and yet Judas went to the chief priests and asked how much they would give him to sell out Jesus. JESUS!!! What would make Judas do that? How could he? Pastor Darren said that it may have been because Jesus didn't turn out to be who Judas was expecting. Judas may have thought the Messiah would come and overthrow the Romans and set up a new kingdom, would smite his enemies. Jesus did not do that,He preached love and forgiveness of sin and now Jesus is talking about leaving. Time is running out, and Judas is done. Done waiting for Jesus to act. Then, as Pastor Darren always does, he brings it into today's context and this is where the BAM comes in. So I have been dealing with issues, for a while, feeling alone, feeling unloved, unwanted, being 30 and never having a relationship where I felt loved and cherished, and instead of focusing on God, who loves me unconditionally, who cares for me, who's sacrifice on the cross for me gives me worth and value, I blamed God. I gave up, I decided that until I got what I wanted, I was going to ignore Him. (as I write this I am worried what others will think, but I want to share this as I hope it will trigger something in you, or help you).

So for months I gave up on my relationship with God. No Church (just sometimes listening to sermon podcasts at home), no Bible, no prayer. Then I took a course at Trinity, on how to teach the Bible, and all we did all day was read the Word and discuss it, and so I "decided" to go to Church on Sunday. Now church has been hard for me cause I always feel so alone walking in by myself, sitting alone, and leaving alone, it's not fun. Saturday night I prayed, and cried cause I did not want to go to church, but knew that I needed to. I prayed that God would help me get over that feeling and let me feel included. Of course God answered. Jack (who I have never talk to, but have sat behind every time I go), turned around and talked with me (he is a grandfather I would love to have) and then my friend from high school showed up and sat beside me. God answered.

Now back to the sermon, so Pastor Darren is talking about Judas' disillusionment with Jesus, and Darren says it's like us not getting the life we want or think we should have, not having kids, not having the job we wanted, not being married, or in the relationship we thought we should be in......Do you see it? the BAM? Ya. talk about a wind knocked out of you, brought to your knees moment. I've always seen Judas as this evil guy who sold out the King of Kings, and yet, I have been doing it for months. I was unhappy with my life, thinking God is not who I want him to be, is not providing me with the life I want, and so I gave up, I was done, (not completely, cause I could never totally let go of Jesus and He will never let go of me). I was so self centered, so stupid, so ignorant. Who am I to tell God what he is and is not supposed to do? WHAT WAS I THINKING???? Well God brought me to my knees in that moment, and that night was a long one, me weeping and asking for forgiveness even though I do not deserve any, and God being the most gracious and merciful did forgive me, he always will, but I still have to receive that forgiveness and make it right. Which is what I am doing. I know God has a plan for me. I know that his ways are perfect. I know that his timing is perfect, and that I NEED TO TRUST IN HIM. I pray that God will remind me of this day when I feel myself slipping into old habits, cause I know it will happen to some degree (I pray not to this degree ever again), but I also know that He will be with me through it .

Another verse Darren shared, which struck me was the account of Jesus telling Peter that he will deny Jesus 3 times,

Jesus says, ³¹ “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. ³² But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31-32

Jesus knew that Peter and the others would abandon him, and yet he also knew that they would turn back. (He also prayed for them that their faith would not fail. I know he is praying and interceding for me).

I am trying to do that now, I have turned back, and now I hope that my experience will help others. I am not saying that it will, I pray it might, but if nothing else it has helped me put this experience into words as a record of what God has done for me. I am not worthy to kiss the hem of his robe, yet he calls me child, and beloved. I am in awe!!