My Class ROCKS!!

So it's been a month and a half and I have to say I am loving my class! Last year was super tough and the contrast between this year and last sometimes startles me. With this class I remember why I am a teacher, I laugh, joke around with my kids, I can be myself, not a strict cranky teacher. I can do fun things with them and they don't push it too far.

Last October I wondered what I was doing wrong, why that class was not melding, why they were not getting into routine, why I was such a crappy teacher. Now this year, they are working well together, they are in routine, they listen, they are funny, they are enthusiastic, they are engaged, they are helpful, they do little things for others, they clean up their messes without being harassed by me. They have some struggles, 2/3 of my class are not quite at grade level in their reading, and there are a couple who have impulse control problems. A couple I can handle, a large group, not so much....

I have more energy, I am trying new things, things that last year would have overwhelmed me (a high school T.A., two student teachers, and new programs) and I am excited about pushing myself. This is what teaching is supposed to be. This is why I wanted to do this job. It's interesting, it's challenging, and it's fun again!
thanks be to God!!

Creative Juices.......

So this summer has been one of soul searching, confrontation, and learning and it's been good... I've spent my summer working on the Bible course I took at the beginning of July. It's been a long haul, but I finally finished all my assignments, but that's not what this post is about...it's what started everything. If you know me at all you will have an inkling that I am a bit of a procrastinator, just a bit.... :) As I put the pro in procrastinate, I can always find something to consume my time and distract me from the task at hand. This time it was my new love, Pinterest. This site is full of pictures that other people have copied off the web, or taken themselves and posted for everyone else to see. The pictures usually link you to their source, so you can see what the story is behind the picture. There are recipes, DIY projects, clothes, posters, and what I am LOVING, ideas for the classroom. Art projects, math centers, literacy centers, classroom management ideas, organizational tips and tricks, and links to fabulous blogs by other teachers. I have spent so much time, I am kinda ashamed to admit how much (actually I don't even know the number, but it's a lot) looking at all the pictures, the blogs, the ideas behind the pictures, and while my course work was suffering a bit, my classroom mojo is BACK!!! This past year was one of the hardest years I have had to date, and I was completely zapped of any motivation and creativity. I was going through the motions of teaching, but not enjoying it. AP (after pinterest), I am starting to really look forward to going back. I have some cool ideas that I want to try, I have some fun activities to supplement my curriculum with, and I am making things for my classroom, which may sound weird, but I've been needing a creative outlet that nurtures the artist in me.

I have made a wall decoration from wooden letters and buttons.

I have made some posters and worksheets on Word, which isn't art, per se, but takes a kind of technical creativity,

and I am working on a few more... This site has reawakened the teacher in me, the one that loves her job and is always creating and thinking and doing. The one who wants her kids to want to find their passions because they see someone who is passionate about what they are doing (I think that sentence makes sense!). I lost her for a while, but she is back and I could not be more excited. The creative juices are flowing, all thanks to procrastination!! haha...jk.....



BAM

So it's been a big week, well not big, I don't know, hard...not in a bad way, not really...momentous....wow the right adjective is just not coming. Instructive? I think BAM would be a good adjective. Is it an adjective? Ok enough with the word play. So at church we are going through the book of Matthew. We have been going through Matthew for about 2 years, and we are finally on the passion week. So the story that we focused on was the story of Mary Magdalene pouring perfume over Jesus' head as he is eating a meal at Simon the Leper's house. It is also the point in the Narrative where Judas decides to hand Jesus over to the religious leaders for 30 pieces of silver (which is the same amount that a man would be paid if his slave was killed by a bull).
Here is the Story

So Pastor Darren was speaking about (see July 10th 2011) seeing this narrative through the eyes of the different characters in this story, and the last person he focused on was Judas. He was explaining how Matthew makes the point of illuminating that Judas was "one of the twelve". Judas was in the inner crowd, one of Jesus' friends. Judas was part of the inner crowd, the same as John,(whom Jesus loved) Peter (who Jesus renamed "the Rock"). These twelve men were Jesus' friends, and yet Judas went to the chief priests and asked how much they would give him to sell out Jesus. JESUS!!! What would make Judas do that? How could he? Pastor Darren said that it may have been because Jesus didn't turn out to be who Judas was expecting. Judas may have thought the Messiah would come and overthrow the Romans and set up a new kingdom, would smite his enemies. Jesus did not do that,He preached love and forgiveness of sin and now Jesus is talking about leaving. Time is running out, and Judas is done. Done waiting for Jesus to act. Then, as Pastor Darren always does, he brings it into today's context and this is where the BAM comes in. So I have been dealing with issues, for a while, feeling alone, feeling unloved, unwanted, being 30 and never having a relationship where I felt loved and cherished, and instead of focusing on God, who loves me unconditionally, who cares for me, who's sacrifice on the cross for me gives me worth and value, I blamed God. I gave up, I decided that until I got what I wanted, I was going to ignore Him. (as I write this I am worried what others will think, but I want to share this as I hope it will trigger something in you, or help you).

So for months I gave up on my relationship with God. No Church (just sometimes listening to sermon podcasts at home), no Bible, no prayer. Then I took a course at Trinity, on how to teach the Bible, and all we did all day was read the Word and discuss it, and so I "decided" to go to Church on Sunday. Now church has been hard for me cause I always feel so alone walking in by myself, sitting alone, and leaving alone, it's not fun. Saturday night I prayed, and cried cause I did not want to go to church, but knew that I needed to. I prayed that God would help me get over that feeling and let me feel included. Of course God answered. Jack (who I have never talk to, but have sat behind every time I go), turned around and talked with me (he is a grandfather I would love to have) and then my friend from high school showed up and sat beside me. God answered.

Now back to the sermon, so Pastor Darren is talking about Judas' disillusionment with Jesus, and Darren says it's like us not getting the life we want or think we should have, not having kids, not having the job we wanted, not being married, or in the relationship we thought we should be in......Do you see it? the BAM? Ya. talk about a wind knocked out of you, brought to your knees moment. I've always seen Judas as this evil guy who sold out the King of Kings, and yet, I have been doing it for months. I was unhappy with my life, thinking God is not who I want him to be, is not providing me with the life I want, and so I gave up, I was done, (not completely, cause I could never totally let go of Jesus and He will never let go of me). I was so self centered, so stupid, so ignorant. Who am I to tell God what he is and is not supposed to do? WHAT WAS I THINKING???? Well God brought me to my knees in that moment, and that night was a long one, me weeping and asking for forgiveness even though I do not deserve any, and God being the most gracious and merciful did forgive me, he always will, but I still have to receive that forgiveness and make it right. Which is what I am doing. I know God has a plan for me. I know that his ways are perfect. I know that his timing is perfect, and that I NEED TO TRUST IN HIM. I pray that God will remind me of this day when I feel myself slipping into old habits, cause I know it will happen to some degree (I pray not to this degree ever again), but I also know that He will be with me through it .

Another verse Darren shared, which struck me was the account of Jesus telling Peter that he will deny Jesus 3 times,

Jesus says, ³¹ “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. ³² But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31-32

Jesus knew that Peter and the others would abandon him, and yet he also knew that they would turn back. (He also prayed for them that their faith would not fail. I know he is praying and interceding for me).

I am trying to do that now, I have turned back, and now I hope that my experience will help others. I am not saying that it will, I pray it might, but if nothing else it has helped me put this experience into words as a record of what God has done for me. I am not worthy to kiss the hem of his robe, yet he calls me child, and beloved. I am in awe!!

Alive Again....

I am taking a course right now at Trinity Western University on how to teach the Bible. While the course has not been helpful to this end, I am still thoroughly enjoying it. I didn't think I would. I thought, "oh man, another course that will have no impact on my teaching or on the subject of Bible" and while in some respects this is true, it has also impacted me in ways I wasn't expecting. I don't know what all the implications are, but something is stirring that I haven't experienced in a long time. I think the reason for this is all the Bible reading we are doing. We read books of the Bible all day long, everyday, and then we have discussions about what we are reading, what troubles us about the Bible, our interpretations about Hell, Love, Marriage, Creation (old world vs new world creationism) evolution, the Holocaust, everything and anything. It gets intense but in a good way! We feel safe enough to share, argue, voice opinions, and disagree. It has been so impactful. I have been struggling for a while with Bible reading. I haven't been reading it. Not really, not well. I have been immersed in the Bible all week and I feel like I am coming back to life again.. I know this is just what I needed. I have had a HARD, DRAINING year! I feel like I am being brought back to life. The Word of God is my daily bread, it is living water!! I was so thirsty. I am sad that the course is over but it has been the defibrilator that I SO NEEDED!! THANK YOU LORD JESUS!!! More to come I hope.......

TTMMST

• students silently working twice today! (Thanks to code solving and Adventures in Odyssey)
• seeing Lael, Steve, and Baby Jake!
• eating the first corn on the cob of the season! YUMMO!!

TTMMST (things that made me smile today)

• our librarian saying they could come up with more "f" words for the teacher bulliten board (she did not intend it to come out THAT way!!)
• getting three pretty things in the mail from the new addiction in my life (etsy)
• CANUCKS!!!

It's easy being green!

Summer

23 teaching days left in the school year, and I am SO ready for this year to be over. It has been a hard year. The kids have tested me, challenged me, and gave me a new perspective on teaching. I have learned that:

teaching is not always about what I want for them, or where I want them to end up,
teaching is being present in the moment, and not worrying about the end result.
teaching is about sometimes letting go of expectations (for yourself and your students), and just taking one or two steps forward and being ok with that.
teaching is about giving your all, and not expecting anything back, and being surprised and grateful when you can see the impact you are having (especially on  those days when it seems nothing is pentrating the fog)
teaching is about relying on God to get you through
teaching is about learning when to ask for help, and learning who to ask as well.
teaching is a journey of beginnings and ends. Sometimes you can't wait for the beginning and sometimes you can't wait for the end, but it's also remembering that the journey itself is important.

Just a few of the things I have learned....

Now for Canucks hockey, sunshine, and a long weekend ( what makes me smile today!)

Things that made me smile today...

• spending a lot of time outside
• stone soup reactions
• freezies
• meeting Jacob Kazen Dyck!! What a cutie!!!
• a well toasted bagel

Things that made me smile today...

• SUNSHINE!!!!
• Getting things in the mail
• CANUCKS!! (whether they win or lose!)
• Cooking on my own stove in my own house (kinda obvious but it's been a while....)

things that made me smile today...

• sunshine!!!
• word of a baby coming into the world, finally!!
• former students still able to make me laugh and remember inside jokes!
• another playoff game to look forward to!

Things that made me smile this weekend...

• being told I read with potential... (the word he was looking for was expression)
• being able to help my mom out
• traces of sun
• a normal week (as normal as a week can be at LCS)

things that made me smile today

• getting a big hug from a student
• finishing another performance
• colleagues that listen to you when you complain
• an almost normal day

Things that made me smile today

• devotions being done
• breaks of sun through all the cloud
• a student looking a true or false question that said "a duck says moo" and saying under his breath "come on! what kind of question is that?"
• Smart Pop: Sweet and Salty Kettle Corn
• Finding a missing library book!

things that made me smile today...

• a hot shower
• hard working students
• a wunderbar; "a peanut butter caramel experience!"
• a Canucks victory!

30 things I know to be true, at the age of 30.....

So it's my birthday, and I thought that I would amaze myself with a brilliant list of 30 things that I know to be true about me and life in general. (in no real order, just whatever I thought of) I hope I don't get too cliche on ya.

1) God is our rock, redeemer, and breath. He is always there for us and always will be.

2) We are truly messed up people, but we have to be OK with that. Who wants to be perfect anyway?

3) We will never please everyone.

4) Sarcasm IS a second language and some don't speak it, or understand it, which can get awkward!

5) We may not be satisfied with our physical appearance, but we can't change all the things that we don't like, so we need to learn to love ourselves for who we are, not for who we want to be.

6) READ. Expand your mind and enhance your conversational skills.

7) Friends are important. Being alone is not fun.

8) Family is not who you are related to by blood or marriage, they are the people you love and allow to love you.

9) No matter what horrors are in your past, God is the great healer of heart, mind, and soul.

10) No one can tell you who you are or who you should be. Life is a one man show, you are the actor, God is the writer, director, and producer.

11) 30 is a scary number. 40 is scarier. 100 is old!!

12) Dishes and cleaning won't do themselves, but going for a walk or spending time outdoors is more important, and the cleaning can be done when it rains.

13) Kids are funny, annoying, and sweet. Some days they are more of one than the others.

14) Be careful with your words, they have a lot of power.

15) Food is AWESOME!! Celery and water is NOT a meal!!

16) Laughing loudly is a great cure for a lot of things.

17) Freshly laundered sheets and a comfy bed are as close to heaven as one can get.

18) Just because you have power, doesn't mean people will respect you.

19) Respect is earned, it cannot be demanded. You get respect by being authentic and humble.

20) Sometimes drawing attention to yourself is a good thing, sometimes it is not.

21) Pick your battles.

22) Hockey is a national sport for a reason.

23) Some people are crazy, if its a good kind of crazy, let go and join them.

24) Don't take life too seriously, it's SO not worth it, we won't be here for very long anyway.

25) Full length mirrors were invented for a reason.

26) Magnifying mirrors are not cool!

27) Everyone is beautiful, valuable, and worthy of love and respect.

28) Music can make you dance, smile, cry, or bring you to your knees in worship

29) I'm not as smart as I think I am.

30) Age is just a number, really, it is how you act and feel. Sometimes you need to act older, sometimes, you act your age, and sometimes you need to act like a kid.

So there you go! It may not seem all that noteworthy to you, but it was fun to write.

Stats...

If you have a blog then you may know that you can look at your "stats" and see how many people have viewed your blog and where they are doing the viewing... Anyway I recently looked at mine and was surprised by the last two countries listed... Malaysia and Kuwait...who knew? I think that is cool and a little weird.

Sick

All the things I need within reach of my bed......

If you are a friend of mine on FB and/or elsewhere, you know that I have been under the weather. That's actually putting it mildly. I have never felt so crappy in I don't know how long. I am usually a pretty healthy person, comparatively, and to be sick for more than a couple days is taxing. It's been a week, 7 days, 168 hours of pure torture. I am sneezing, coughing, dizzy, achy (sp?) and SO tired. I took 2 days off last week and then had a pro D which I went to, although I regretted that decision and then the weekend, and now another ProD which I also went to cause I was presenting, and now I am at home in bed. I am not made for illness. I get stir crazy. I know that I have work I NEED to do ( it's report card season) and I have NO time to be sick!! I am not the type of person to lie around and lounge all day for days on end. Once and a while sure, but 7 days of it and I get so frustrated by my inability to function in a vertical position for any length of time I want to SCREAM!! So after 5 days of having the pressure of knowing that report cards are due on Friday and not being mentally able to for a coherent sentence to save my life, I decided enough is enough, "body" I said, "you are going to function and I am going to write report cards, enough of this crap, you will perform" and I did. I wrote half of my comments in one day! My head was not happy, but I don't have time to just lay there. I need to be productive. Granted, I can lie in bed while typing (yeah for laptops) but forced myself to do the work. So now I am again lying in bed ( I never thought I would spend so much time in one place that I would start to hate it, but much more of this and I will start to hate my bed GASP) and writing. First this blog entry and then report cards. I am not back to my old self, and I am not sure if this entry made any sense or said anything worthwhile, but I am coming out the other side of this illness, which I have labelled the "cold on steroids with a side of mind altering hallucinations" and I hope that I won't relapse cause I couldn't take that. I have had ENOUGH, enough I tell you!!

This whine has been brought to you today by the letters " TYLENOL COLD AND SINUS"

Fear or the absence of knowing

     In life fear is the thing that stops you from doing a lot of things. It stops you from taking that leap of faith, from making a decision that could change your life. It is the voice in your head that says, "it may turn out well, that's true, but more likely it will go badly, or it won't work out" Fear is the enemy's biggest weapon against us, because all he has to do is put that feeling of unease or insecurity in our minds, and we do the rest. We blow it up and make the decision or the next step so much larger and scarier than it really is.

The most scary thing for me, the thing that makes me stop and not want to try something or do something is the fear of not knowing. Not knowing what the outcome will be, not knowing that everything will be all right. Not knowing if I am acceptable, or smart enough, or good enough, or interesting enough, or worthy enough. Not knowing deep down that I matter. This fear, and it really is fear, it's not that I necessarily hate myself or anything, cause really I do like who I am, I just am not convinced that people I meet will like me for me, keeps me from moving forward with things. I am afraid of people. I am afraid of rejection. I think most people are to some degree or another. I wish that I had the confidence to say that I don't really care if someone likes me or not, that I am me and that's all I can be, and oh well if you don't like me. I can't. I do care. Is everyone going to like me?, of course not. I know that. It doesn't mean that I like it. It does mean that I sometimes think that if I just changed who I am, then maybe people would like me more, would see the value in me.

God and I talk about this a lot. See, He is the solution to this problem of fear. He is the one who can take this fear away. He is the one who can make me see myself as valuable, and worthy. Time and time again He has reminded me that my value and worth doesn't come from how successful my life is, how amazing of a personality I have, how beautiful I am, how many friends I have, or how much money I make. It comes from the sacrifice He made for me. He loved me so much, that He died for me. He thought that I was worth it. He thought that my life, even though to him it is over in the blink of an eye, it was worth saving. He laid His life down for me so I could live forever with Him. Who else can say that the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe came to Earth for 30+ years just so He could be nailed to a tree and die just for them? He did it for me, cause He saw me coming, and knew that I was worth it. You know something? He thought the same thing about you too!! Did you know that? He thinks you're worth it too! He truly does. He knows that you will question it, maybe even reject it cause you think it's not true. It is though, it is the only truth that really matters, and it's the only truth that can replace, reject, reshape, remove the fear that we hold on to. If we let Him in, if we constantly hand it over, give it to Him, let Him show us that we have nothing to fear as long as we are walking with Him, then the fear loses its power. It can no longer keep us from doing what God would have us do, or be who God wants us to become. We don't know what will happen in the future, only He does. We don't know how others are going to perceive us, but even if they reject us, God is there with us through that too. He is beside us with each step, loving on us so much that if we would receive it in its entirety we would be so overwhelmed and we would be forever changed. It isn't easy for me to receive that kind of life changing love, but every day, I hope, I get a little bit closer to seeing myself as God sees me. How amazing I must be to Him that He would care so much. How frustrating too, I would imagine....haha....

It may be a Christmas song, but so powerful.....

Perspective

There are moments in life when someone says something to you, and BAM everything just clicks, and you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. I have had a rough week, dealing with some issues with a certain person, and have been really angry and upset. I talked to a few people about the situation, and they were all sympathetic and supportive (which most if not all of my colleagues are) but it didn't really help me move past it. I felt like I was trapped in the situation and had no power. I hate feeling powerless, I think we all do, and being made to feel powerless by someone who is supposed to empower and support, makes the whole thing even more frustrating and hurtful. So I was ready to give up and just not care any more. I was ready to just put in the bare minimum and not go above and beyond the call of duty, and then came some words of wisdom. I had been thinking along the same lines, but couldn't really put it into tangible words that made sense or struck a chord. The words that were spoken did that.

Basically, I was told that calling it quits and just doing the bare minimum would be supporting the assumption that this person has made about me and that I would not be gaining the power and autonomy that I need by doing this. Instead, I should rise above the situation and put in as much effort as I normally do (which I think is a lot). Changing myself and changing how I go about doing my job would not lead anywhere good, in fact it would harm me because I am not the type of person who can do things half assed and feel good about it, and it could possibly my hurt my career, which God has given to me as my vocation so that would not be good either. So I have decided to be the teacher I know I can be, know I want to be, and will not give this person cause to question my competency, my commitment to my job, my students,or the community. In doing this, I prove them wrong, I prove that what they think and how they see me are unjustified. I take away the power they had over me. Their words and opinions of me will no longer define who I am, will no longer make me hide in fear, or react out of anger. That is not me, although it has been me this year, I am taking my sense of self back and not allowing the negative to effect me. It's not easy cause I always think the worst about myself, I think that is human nature, but I am ready to stop receiving the lies and I am ready to stand in truth instead.

 I hope that by taking this path instead, it will lead to a restoration in the relationship I have to have with this person, but it is going to take a long time, and a lot of prayer, cause even though I am ready to ignore and rise above and forgive, I am not ready to forget just yet. It will come though because God is HERE in this situation. I know that full well.

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Here is a song that has been running through my mind all day....

Just Sayin.....

Do you ever have the feeling like you are the only one in the world that feels the way you do, thinks the way you think, views the world the way you do, finds things funny that you find funny? 
Here is a musing that I am having, maybe you will find this interesting, you might find yourself shouting at the computer, YES YES YES!!! or you may be thinking...WTFH!!! However you respond, just know that you were the one who clicked on this link, not me and you enter at your own risk..... MWAHAHAHAHA! (I think i had one too many sour keys tonight)

We are always encouraged to be unique, be original, stand out from the crowd, don't blend in, be number one! Well, not everyone can be number 1, only one person can....the number 1 has a limit...1...... I sometimes think that this mentality is really putting an unnecessary burden on ourselves. The idea "why settle for anything less?" makes everyone who has to feel like they have failed. We can't be happy as number 2, or 3, or 5,999,999,999...... or can we? Can we be happy knowing that we are not original, that we don't stand out, that we aren't the best? Can we live in the discomfort or maybe the comfort knowing that we don't really have to push ourselves to our breaking point? That we don't have to put in the time or the effort that being number one requires? Can we allow ourselves a little grace and be happy with a second place ribbon. Can we look at number one and say, "meh, that's OK for some people, but for me, number 2 is good enough, heck, number 3 would be fine too." Some people may need to shoot for the stars, me I would rather float around and actually enjoy the view. Maybe you have never had the gumption to shoot for number one, maybe this concept is foreign to you, maybe you are thinking, WHAT is she talking about? We are SUPPOSED to want to be number one???? If you are this kind of person, I would like to meet you.... I want to be you, I am convinced you are the type of person who has a life filled with joy and ease. You take life as it comes, you roll with the punches (could I BE using anymore cliches?) and don't get stressed out about anything. You are OK with letting others hog the glory, be the golden child, take all the prizes. You are satisfied with life, and are happy. I really want to know what that is like. Now we can be self deprecating and say that we are never going to be number one, that there are so many people that are so much more awesomer than we are, so we are number 2 but the fact remains, you still want to BE number 1. You still would blush and rejoice and cry, and pump your fists and high five perfect strangers if you were ever told that you are the best.... You are still one of those people.....the shooting for the stars people. I am one of those people too.....I want to be number one.... But those people who don't really care, are happy with where they are, what they are, who they are, those are the people I am looking for. I want to learn their secret. I want to be their groupie. I want to know how it feels to throw off the shackles of oppression, and say "MEH" You may be thinking, "but if no one wanted to be number one, nothing would get accomplished, not new things would be made, no one would be there to lead everyone else, there would be no one to emulate to look up to, there would be no drive, nothing to propel us forward.... no motivation to evolve, to become more than what we are".....and I can't help but wonder.....is that a bad thing??? Just sayin.......

Whispers from God...

Today as I was getting my students to mark mad minutes (of all things), I looked out over their bent heads and had a moment of, "I am meant to be here" "This is what I am meant to do." I don't know why, but it was very poignant. I get moments such as these from time to time, like whispers from God, moments of his presence that speak to my heart, tell me that I am on the path and loved. I love these whispers and I never know when they will come, or what I will be doing when they occur, but when they do come, it reminds me that even when I am alone, I'm not alone......

How do you unlearn something?

I am a teacher, my goal is to equip my kids with the tools that they need to be successful in life. I don't always succeed in imparting this knowledge, but I try my best to do it, and let God's grace and mercy cover my failings. In my elementary school, a verse that was a part of our mission (at least I think that's what it was from) was the verse " Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). For a school,  that is a pretty heafty calling, and now as a teacher, I try to remember it, but what about the lessons kids learn that do them harm, what about the things they learn because of neglect, cruelty or abandonment? Can kids unlearn lessons that they should never have been taught in the first place? For example, a lesson I have learned, that is in no way helpful or beneficial to me, but something that I can't quite "unlearn" or let go of yet..... the lesson that you cannot trust or rely on anyone but yourself. I have a hard time trusting that the people in my life will be there for me, I try, I really do, but a small part of me always holds back because of fear. I knew that my dad was not someone who could be relied on to be there from day to day, and even though my mom was amazing, and I love her to death, she also wasn't always able to be there for me in the ways that I needed her growing up. So the two most important relationships that are supposed to be the models that you base all future relationships on, were not the best. Now, I am not saying all this for you to feel sorry for me, I am just giving you an example. There are many people out there in the world who have suffered far worse and seen things and had things done to them that no person should ever have to go through, those are the people my heart breaks for, and why I am asking this question. Can we move past our past, unlearn the lessons that are keeping us from a full life? Can God heal us? Will He? Or must we live with these mind sets all our lives? I believe with all my heart that He can, He does, He wants to, It hurts Him when we are broken. We were not made to be broken people.

We were meant to be whole, and He wants to make us whole again. I believe that. The tricky part is, we usually stand in the way of that healing. I know that I do! I am too scared or I sometimes think that I am not worthy or important enough to be healed, to be restored. Last night, I was praying and a few memories came to my mind, and both of them were times when I felt safe and taken care of. I don't remember many times in my life when I felt completely safe and taken care of. I am a care taker. I love taking care of others, it was my role growing up, its the role I take on with my friends, and I love it. I cannot receive it though. When someone is sick or is having a hard day, I jump right in and do whatever I can to help them (even if it is not convienient for me to do so) and I feel happy being able to do it, but if someone asks me if I need anything or want help, my default is to say no. I can deal with it, I am strong, capable, independent. I do not like to be a burden, I don't like to bother people, so even if it would be awesome to have someone come take care of me or help, I will refuse. The memories, however, reminded me of times where I let someone past my defenses and take "care" of me. One was a friend of my mom's uncle took us for a walk while we were camping, and he held my hand the whole way there and back to make sure I didn't fall or get lost. Now this may seem weird, but being from a family where physical touch was pretty much non-existant, this stood out to me as a time where I felt safe, and taken care of. The other time, was when I was late to a bridal shower casue I got lost, the brides mom, a good friend of mine, gave me a huge hug. I don't think I have ever been hugged like that in my life!! haha. It was what I always imagined a mom's hug is supposed to be like.

So where am I going with this. Well after having these memories come flooding back, naturally I was in tears, cause I was tired, it was late, and it hit me pretty hard, I kept praying about it, and God revealed to me that I need to let go of my fear, and let people take care of me more. I also need to let God take care of me more. Let His strength be my strength. Let Him fill me with His love and surround me with his presence. I need to let the walls I have built come down more and trust Him. I do trust Him, but not as much as I should. He is my refuge, my rock, and He wants to be there for me. He wants to be the person I run to when I need help or comfort. I know this, and I am starting to walk in this truth, but it's hard cause I have spent my life living in fear. Once I started thinking about it, and praying through it, the burden of always having to do everything on my own lifted a bit, and it felt good.......Remember HE IS HERE!! Always and forever, HE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!

Photographing the elusive subject of light.....

So today was an awesome day for photos.....here are some of the shots I took.....

 

Bad Days

I just had one of the worst days of the school year today.... most of the boys in my class were just acting SO stupid, making such bad choices, and not listening to me at all. I tried to do some group work with them, NEVER doing that again, and at some point 6/10 boys were in the hall or the office (but I don't have a hard class, its me, not the kids (WINK WINK)). It was horrendous.... So needless to say I came home with a headache and no motivation to do anything. I am sitting on my couch and I plan to stay here till bed time..... I had such good intentions...I was gonna work out, go get fruits/veggies at the farm market but I came straight home and had pizza and pop.... So much for my resolutions.....I haven't worked out at all this week, and the weekend doesn't look any better...... Oh well, next week......

Goals.....

Right on Calvin!! HAHAHA

So the whole resolution thing, who's idea of a joke was that? I see resolutions as those things we make while we are still recovering from last nights frivolity! That's gonna go well for you...... Or we have these high hopes, and then 2 days (or hours) later we realize that these resolutions are not going to pan out in the real world and then we feel defeated, hopeless, and discouraged and we end up consoling ourselves with the very things our resolutions were trying to purge. While I think resolutions really don't hold water most of the time, I do like the idea of taking time to reflect on life, see where changes can be made, and be realistic as to how I am going to go about making those changes happen.

The goal "I am going to exercise 4 times a week" is NEVER going to happen, but if I say, I will exercise hard at least once a week and go for a walk 2 times a week, I can see that happening. I was doing that before, and I am determined to start again (the last month has been a teensy bit stressful and I don't handle stress by working out, unfortunately, so I need to start up again). I bought new runners, so I think that my list of excuses have run out, and so this seems like a reasonable goal. So that's one of my goals this year.

 Eating better is something I really want to do, but I am not sure if I want to make this a goal, as I don't see it happening the way I would like. I think that being more conscious of what I eat, and not eating unnecessary junk foods will be a better goal, until I can convince myself that this is something that I can fully commit to. (I hope that makes sense to you, it does to me). So no more donuts, or chocolate bars, or bags of chips.....I AM going to finish what I have though, as I don't want to waste food.... ;) and more veggies and fruits will enter my system.

The next goal, is also a hard one, but not because I don't want to really, or because I don't have the tools, it's hard cause I am so out of practice, and that is spending time with God, praying and reading my Bible. I am starting to get back in the habit of praying, and we have had some tough but good conversations, but I am not in the habit of doing these two daily, or even weekly, so it will be something I have to work on. I want to find a good devotional, so I will look at Blessings this week (YAY for gift cards) and I will try to be more focused. I find it harder when I have a good book calling me, but I need to make this a priority. I will let you know how it goes. I crave it, crave his presence, but I don't do anything to satisfy the hunger so to speak.

So those are my goals... we will see how it pans out... I have high hopes, and they seem like reasonable goals.