Perspective

There are moments in life when someone says something to you, and BAM everything just clicks, and you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. I have had a rough week, dealing with some issues with a certain person, and have been really angry and upset. I talked to a few people about the situation, and they were all sympathetic and supportive (which most if not all of my colleagues are) but it didn't really help me move past it. I felt like I was trapped in the situation and had no power. I hate feeling powerless, I think we all do, and being made to feel powerless by someone who is supposed to empower and support, makes the whole thing even more frustrating and hurtful. So I was ready to give up and just not care any more. I was ready to just put in the bare minimum and not go above and beyond the call of duty, and then came some words of wisdom. I had been thinking along the same lines, but couldn't really put it into tangible words that made sense or struck a chord. The words that were spoken did that.

Basically, I was told that calling it quits and just doing the bare minimum would be supporting the assumption that this person has made about me and that I would not be gaining the power and autonomy that I need by doing this. Instead, I should rise above the situation and put in as much effort as I normally do (which I think is a lot). Changing myself and changing how I go about doing my job would not lead anywhere good, in fact it would harm me because I am not the type of person who can do things half assed and feel good about it, and it could possibly my hurt my career, which God has given to me as my vocation so that would not be good either. So I have decided to be the teacher I know I can be, know I want to be, and will not give this person cause to question my competency, my commitment to my job, my students,or the community. In doing this, I prove them wrong, I prove that what they think and how they see me are unjustified. I take away the power they had over me. Their words and opinions of me will no longer define who I am, will no longer make me hide in fear, or react out of anger. That is not me, although it has been me this year, I am taking my sense of self back and not allowing the negative to effect me. It's not easy cause I always think the worst about myself, I think that is human nature, but I am ready to stop receiving the lies and I am ready to stand in truth instead.

 I hope that by taking this path instead, it will lead to a restoration in the relationship I have to have with this person, but it is going to take a long time, and a lot of prayer, cause even though I am ready to ignore and rise above and forgive, I am not ready to forget just yet. It will come though because God is HERE in this situation. I know that full well.

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Here is a song that has been running through my mind all day....

Just Sayin.....

Do you ever have the feeling like you are the only one in the world that feels the way you do, thinks the way you think, views the world the way you do, finds things funny that you find funny? 
Here is a musing that I am having, maybe you will find this interesting, you might find yourself shouting at the computer, YES YES YES!!! or you may be thinking...WTFH!!! However you respond, just know that you were the one who clicked on this link, not me and you enter at your own risk..... MWAHAHAHAHA! (I think i had one too many sour keys tonight)

We are always encouraged to be unique, be original, stand out from the crowd, don't blend in, be number one! Well, not everyone can be number 1, only one person can....the number 1 has a limit...1...... I sometimes think that this mentality is really putting an unnecessary burden on ourselves. The idea "why settle for anything less?" makes everyone who has to feel like they have failed. We can't be happy as number 2, or 3, or 5,999,999,999...... or can we? Can we be happy knowing that we are not original, that we don't stand out, that we aren't the best? Can we live in the discomfort or maybe the comfort knowing that we don't really have to push ourselves to our breaking point? That we don't have to put in the time or the effort that being number one requires? Can we allow ourselves a little grace and be happy with a second place ribbon. Can we look at number one and say, "meh, that's OK for some people, but for me, number 2 is good enough, heck, number 3 would be fine too." Some people may need to shoot for the stars, me I would rather float around and actually enjoy the view. Maybe you have never had the gumption to shoot for number one, maybe this concept is foreign to you, maybe you are thinking, WHAT is she talking about? We are SUPPOSED to want to be number one???? If you are this kind of person, I would like to meet you.... I want to be you, I am convinced you are the type of person who has a life filled with joy and ease. You take life as it comes, you roll with the punches (could I BE using anymore cliches?) and don't get stressed out about anything. You are OK with letting others hog the glory, be the golden child, take all the prizes. You are satisfied with life, and are happy. I really want to know what that is like. Now we can be self deprecating and say that we are never going to be number one, that there are so many people that are so much more awesomer than we are, so we are number 2 but the fact remains, you still want to BE number 1. You still would blush and rejoice and cry, and pump your fists and high five perfect strangers if you were ever told that you are the best.... You are still one of those people.....the shooting for the stars people. I am one of those people too.....I want to be number one.... But those people who don't really care, are happy with where they are, what they are, who they are, those are the people I am looking for. I want to learn their secret. I want to be their groupie. I want to know how it feels to throw off the shackles of oppression, and say "MEH" You may be thinking, "but if no one wanted to be number one, nothing would get accomplished, not new things would be made, no one would be there to lead everyone else, there would be no one to emulate to look up to, there would be no drive, nothing to propel us forward.... no motivation to evolve, to become more than what we are".....and I can't help but wonder.....is that a bad thing??? Just sayin.......

Whispers from God...

Today as I was getting my students to mark mad minutes (of all things), I looked out over their bent heads and had a moment of, "I am meant to be here" "This is what I am meant to do." I don't know why, but it was very poignant. I get moments such as these from time to time, like whispers from God, moments of his presence that speak to my heart, tell me that I am on the path and loved. I love these whispers and I never know when they will come, or what I will be doing when they occur, but when they do come, it reminds me that even when I am alone, I'm not alone......

How do you unlearn something?

I am a teacher, my goal is to equip my kids with the tools that they need to be successful in life. I don't always succeed in imparting this knowledge, but I try my best to do it, and let God's grace and mercy cover my failings. In my elementary school, a verse that was a part of our mission (at least I think that's what it was from) was the verse " Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). For a school,  that is a pretty heafty calling, and now as a teacher, I try to remember it, but what about the lessons kids learn that do them harm, what about the things they learn because of neglect, cruelty or abandonment? Can kids unlearn lessons that they should never have been taught in the first place? For example, a lesson I have learned, that is in no way helpful or beneficial to me, but something that I can't quite "unlearn" or let go of yet..... the lesson that you cannot trust or rely on anyone but yourself. I have a hard time trusting that the people in my life will be there for me, I try, I really do, but a small part of me always holds back because of fear. I knew that my dad was not someone who could be relied on to be there from day to day, and even though my mom was amazing, and I love her to death, she also wasn't always able to be there for me in the ways that I needed her growing up. So the two most important relationships that are supposed to be the models that you base all future relationships on, were not the best. Now, I am not saying all this for you to feel sorry for me, I am just giving you an example. There are many people out there in the world who have suffered far worse and seen things and had things done to them that no person should ever have to go through, those are the people my heart breaks for, and why I am asking this question. Can we move past our past, unlearn the lessons that are keeping us from a full life? Can God heal us? Will He? Or must we live with these mind sets all our lives? I believe with all my heart that He can, He does, He wants to, It hurts Him when we are broken. We were not made to be broken people.

We were meant to be whole, and He wants to make us whole again. I believe that. The tricky part is, we usually stand in the way of that healing. I know that I do! I am too scared or I sometimes think that I am not worthy or important enough to be healed, to be restored. Last night, I was praying and a few memories came to my mind, and both of them were times when I felt safe and taken care of. I don't remember many times in my life when I felt completely safe and taken care of. I am a care taker. I love taking care of others, it was my role growing up, its the role I take on with my friends, and I love it. I cannot receive it though. When someone is sick or is having a hard day, I jump right in and do whatever I can to help them (even if it is not convienient for me to do so) and I feel happy being able to do it, but if someone asks me if I need anything or want help, my default is to say no. I can deal with it, I am strong, capable, independent. I do not like to be a burden, I don't like to bother people, so even if it would be awesome to have someone come take care of me or help, I will refuse. The memories, however, reminded me of times where I let someone past my defenses and take "care" of me. One was a friend of my mom's uncle took us for a walk while we were camping, and he held my hand the whole way there and back to make sure I didn't fall or get lost. Now this may seem weird, but being from a family where physical touch was pretty much non-existant, this stood out to me as a time where I felt safe, and taken care of. The other time, was when I was late to a bridal shower casue I got lost, the brides mom, a good friend of mine, gave me a huge hug. I don't think I have ever been hugged like that in my life!! haha. It was what I always imagined a mom's hug is supposed to be like.

So where am I going with this. Well after having these memories come flooding back, naturally I was in tears, cause I was tired, it was late, and it hit me pretty hard, I kept praying about it, and God revealed to me that I need to let go of my fear, and let people take care of me more. I also need to let God take care of me more. Let His strength be my strength. Let Him fill me with His love and surround me with his presence. I need to let the walls I have built come down more and trust Him. I do trust Him, but not as much as I should. He is my refuge, my rock, and He wants to be there for me. He wants to be the person I run to when I need help or comfort. I know this, and I am starting to walk in this truth, but it's hard cause I have spent my life living in fear. Once I started thinking about it, and praying through it, the burden of always having to do everything on my own lifted a bit, and it felt good.......Remember HE IS HERE!! Always and forever, HE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!

Photographing the elusive subject of light.....

So today was an awesome day for photos.....here are some of the shots I took.....

 

Bad Days

I just had one of the worst days of the school year today.... most of the boys in my class were just acting SO stupid, making such bad choices, and not listening to me at all. I tried to do some group work with them, NEVER doing that again, and at some point 6/10 boys were in the hall or the office (but I don't have a hard class, its me, not the kids (WINK WINK)). It was horrendous.... So needless to say I came home with a headache and no motivation to do anything. I am sitting on my couch and I plan to stay here till bed time..... I had such good intentions...I was gonna work out, go get fruits/veggies at the farm market but I came straight home and had pizza and pop.... So much for my resolutions.....I haven't worked out at all this week, and the weekend doesn't look any better...... Oh well, next week......

Goals.....

Right on Calvin!! HAHAHA

So the whole resolution thing, who's idea of a joke was that? I see resolutions as those things we make while we are still recovering from last nights frivolity! That's gonna go well for you...... Or we have these high hopes, and then 2 days (or hours) later we realize that these resolutions are not going to pan out in the real world and then we feel defeated, hopeless, and discouraged and we end up consoling ourselves with the very things our resolutions were trying to purge. While I think resolutions really don't hold water most of the time, I do like the idea of taking time to reflect on life, see where changes can be made, and be realistic as to how I am going to go about making those changes happen.

The goal "I am going to exercise 4 times a week" is NEVER going to happen, but if I say, I will exercise hard at least once a week and go for a walk 2 times a week, I can see that happening. I was doing that before, and I am determined to start again (the last month has been a teensy bit stressful and I don't handle stress by working out, unfortunately, so I need to start up again). I bought new runners, so I think that my list of excuses have run out, and so this seems like a reasonable goal. So that's one of my goals this year.

 Eating better is something I really want to do, but I am not sure if I want to make this a goal, as I don't see it happening the way I would like. I think that being more conscious of what I eat, and not eating unnecessary junk foods will be a better goal, until I can convince myself that this is something that I can fully commit to. (I hope that makes sense to you, it does to me). So no more donuts, or chocolate bars, or bags of chips.....I AM going to finish what I have though, as I don't want to waste food.... ;) and more veggies and fruits will enter my system.

The next goal, is also a hard one, but not because I don't want to really, or because I don't have the tools, it's hard cause I am so out of practice, and that is spending time with God, praying and reading my Bible. I am starting to get back in the habit of praying, and we have had some tough but good conversations, but I am not in the habit of doing these two daily, or even weekly, so it will be something I have to work on. I want to find a good devotional, so I will look at Blessings this week (YAY for gift cards) and I will try to be more focused. I find it harder when I have a good book calling me, but I need to make this a priority. I will let you know how it goes. I crave it, crave his presence, but I don't do anything to satisfy the hunger so to speak.

So those are my goals... we will see how it pans out... I have high hopes, and they seem like reasonable goals.