Writing....and music......and God....

So these past few weeks I have been dealing with some things....nothing new to my life....and it has driven me to my knees, to the radio, and to my journal. Yes, besides blogging, I do write in an actual journal as well. I have written in a journal off and on since high school (those entries make me laugh and cringe!) and can't imagine not having a space to write down how I am feeling...This is a no holds barred, get it all out of your system, melodramatic space that I can't live without. I love to write. I find that if I can write down how I am feeling in the moment the pain and the sorrow is lessened. I usually write when I am upset or frustrated. If you read my journals, you would think I am severely depressed and need to be hospitalized immediately (wink wink HAHA) but that is because I use my journal as a therapist. I get out all my emotion, frustration, anger, whatever, and then I can let it go, I can move on. Sometimes however, it is also a place to record words and ideas that God gives me. Now, most people have different ideas and opinions about how God communicates with us, and I think that he uses any means necessary for us to hear him and receive what He is trying to say. For me, it is usually through a song, or a book, or a conversation that we have together, you see I talk to God as if I was talking to a friend who is right in front of me. It seem normal to me, cause he is, after all, my nearest and dearest friend.

Ok, so why am I telling you all this? Well, last night, I was venting in my journal about some things, and then a song that I heard earlier that day popped into my head (now it was the first time I heard it, so I didn't know the song really well, but it's by a group I love, so I remembered the title (which is repeated over and over so that helped too) and I youtubed it. Is Youtube a verb? haha. Anyway, I listened to it, and the words were like a shot through the heart. Have you ever felt that way? Like a song was meant for you? Meant for that precise moment when you heard it? I get that a lot. It usually starts as a shiver, and sometimes it is followed by tears. So, I listened to the song a few more times, and then turned my light on (it was past midnight at this point) and I wrote out the lyrics on the next page of my journal. Every stanza, hit me like waves crashing over me. It is a message I need to hear every day, it is a message everyone needs to hear everyday. It was so amazing... I love it when God shows up like that... He was definitely there.

So here is the song and the Lyrics...

Beautiful ~Mercy Me

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

Connections

So my fave new blog (besides verbal diarrhea and it's not a phone call...) is Single Dad Laughing. He is a great writer, and very real. One of his latest re-posts really hit home for me in many ways. Here is the link. He talks tongue in cheek about fattening up for family photos, so that when you or anyone sees them and then sees you, they will be impressed by how much thinner you look in reality. Well this Christmas my uncle brought over some pics he took of us during Christmas 5 years ago, and in the pack was a picture of me. It was HORRIBLE!! I looked SO ugly, SO unhealthy, SO old, and SO fat!! It was NOT good. I wanted to cry and not show ANYONE that picture. Then I looked at pictures of myself from this Christmas, and was relieved to see that I looked a lot better. I am certainly not at my ideal weight, but I am slowly working my way there, and I DO look better than I did 5 years ago, I think anyway. I feel better about myself then I did 5 years ago (even though certain people don't think so), and I have the tools and the motivation to make myself even better. I agree with Dan, sometimes we try to "hide" from the camera so that we don't have to face the "ugly" truth, but sometimes, as it happened this year for me, we are pleasantly surprised by what old photographs can show us.

The pic is now hanging on my fridge, to motivate me and also remind me where I was. It will be a long journey yet, but I am still determined to be a healthier me.

Christmas Music

Here are some of my faves: not an exhaustive list, just made it till I was exhausted....haha!


For Unto Us A Child is Born : Handel's Messiah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSlIx7xqANg

New Fave ~You're Here: Francesca Battistelli
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2xxqRm3Hyg

Oh Holy Night: David Phelps

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZFxG6-WSnI&feature=fvw

Rockin around the Christmas Tree: Brenda Lee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVsc74O2sks

All I want For Christmas is You: Mariah Carrey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY

The Christmas Song: Alvin and the Chipmunks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dnrosVyamY

Carol of the bells : most versions but I love the fiddler in this one! : Celtic Woman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKrx-4Awe70&feature=related

New Fave ~ Winter Snow: Audrey Assad and Chris Tomlin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpHiAmL8-b0

O Come O Come Emmanuel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roy3Ft6Fvbk&feature=related

Christmas Time is here: Charlie Brown Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPG3zSgm_Qo&feature=related

tangent alert...

Ok, so now that I have gotten you up to speed on my journey of faith, I thought that I would do something fun... well fun maybe isn't the right word, light may be better. I want to walk you through my family Christmas traditions...

THE TREE

Usually we got our tree around December 15, cause that is when my mom got paid. One year however, we were short on funds and got a charlie brown tree on Dec. 24. When we got it home, my mom and dad would put it in the stand, and try again and again to get it straight. Nowadays, I help my mom. After the tree was straight my mom would put the lights, garland, and tree topper on, we had an awesome tree topper when I was growing up, it was a snowflake that had lights on it that blinked. After those things were on we would dig through the Christmas ornaments and find "ours". Every year since I was 13 or 14 we got a Christmas tree ornament. My aunt and uncle on my dad's side started it. My first one was a little elf on top of a popcorn bucket stringing popcorn. My favourite is a little shepherd boy with a sheep following the star. We would recount past Christmas' and talk about the ornaments as we hung them on the tree. Then we would all hang the Christmas balls. I loved the multi-coloured ones that we had from the 80's but most of them are broken now, I think we have like 3 or 4 left. They came in such awesome colours. After the tree was dressed, we would turn off all the lights, and if we had a fireplace in the house we were living in we would build a fire, and sit and look at the tree.

CHRISTMAS EVE

On Christmas eve night we would make hot chocolate (we sometimes had different flavours) and we would pile in the car, turn on Christmas music and drive all over MR, looking at lights. Sometimes we ventured into PoCo too. We would stop, and get out at the houses that were loaded. Then after a few hours, we would head back home.

CHRISTMAS/BOXING DAY

So Christmas morning we would wake up (usually Chris was the first one) and we were allowed to open our stockings. Then we had breakfast (usually bacon, eggs, and hash browns). After breakfast we were able to open the gifts, we usually go around in a circle, Chris, me, mom, dad. or Dylan, Daniel, Chris, me, mom. Then we would gather all our presents around us, and take a picture with all our gifts. Then we would shower and get ready to go to my grandparents. Now, when I was younger, we would either go to my grandparents on Christmas or Boxing Day depending on when people were available. We would buy presents for all the cousins, uncles and aunts (there were up to 20 people on my mom's side). We would have a potluck dinner or lunch, and then we would play games. Now these games are really lame and we all hate them (but the younger kids like it). One game is the number game where we all have numbers and then my grandma calls a number and if it's your number you choose a present or you can steal one from someone else. We keep going until all the numbers are gone. It always includes kids crying cause their present got stolen, and adults cringing cause they don't want the present they got stuck with.  The other game we play is the horse race game. My grandma has these plastic horses with bears on their backs. Each horse has a number on it. We all pick a number and then my grandma rolls a dice, and that numbered horse moves around the circle. The first horse to go around the circle wins, and the people who picked that horse win a prize. It's incredibly lame.... haha.Then after dinner or lunch (or sometimes before) my grandma or my mom reads the Christmas story. This is usually awkward because most of my family are not Christians and so they are not really interested in hearing the story, but it's important.

So that's what our Christmas' are usually like.

Where ARE you???

So as promised, I will continue the story of my journey from PDP to job... It started off with high hopes. I was going to get a job right away, and be teaching that September. Those were my goals, my hopes and my plan. God however isn't ruled by us, we are not his counsellors, He is the one in charge, in case anyone was thinking otherwise. So I applied all over, Surrey, Abbotsford, Richmond, Vancouver (interesting enough, not Langley Christian, cause I couldn't find the street!) and I waited for the phone call telling me I had an interview. I got a call from Vancouver Christian, and went to the interview, which seemed to go well, it was for a part time position (which I really didn't want, but thought it was good experience to go to an interview) and then found out they went with someone else who knew their curriculum. So I went back to the waiting game, and helped my mom at her school. March, April, May went by and nothing materialized. The principal at MRCS offered me a Mat. Leave, with the condition that if anything more permanent came along I was free to take it. June rolled around and still nothing. THIS IS WHERE I HIT BOTTOM in my faith. I was SO angry with God. I was thinking, "HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME GO THROUGH ALL THIS PDP CRAP AND THEN NOT GIVE ME A JOB!!!" I was so frustrated with life and feeling so sorry for myself, and I just didn't know how to handle this disappointment. Then one Sunday at church, the Pastor's Son was preaching, and he told this story about how he and his friends had this awesome idea to use fire extinguishers as jet packs and race down the hall on office chairs. They got all set up and were ready to race, and they pulled the rings on the fire extinguishers, and nothing. No foam, no pressure, no racing. It didn't work. Well he said that this incident really showed him what Faith is like. He said, that we expect that things will be there when we need them. We expect a fire extinguisher to work when we have need of it, but it has to be tested yearly to make sure that it is in working order, because if we just let the fire extinguisher sit and never test it, when we really need it, it won't work. Faith is like that, how do we know if we really have faith? How do we know if our faith is strong?, well, God tests us. He brings hardships into our lives to see if we will continue to be faithful and trust him and allow him to be our strength through those situations, or if we will "stop working"and walk away from him. If he didn't we would never know how much we need him to carry us through. We could go about our daily lives never giving God a second thought, but then when disaster hits, we wouldn't have faith to know that "if he brought us to it, he can bring us through it" as the line goes. Realizing this time of testing wasn't about God being mean, or untrustworthy, or uncaring, but it was him wanting to make me more reliant on him, and have greater faith in his plan and his timing. It still wasn't easy, but seeing it from that perspective made it better.

So the end of August rolled around, and I started getting ready for the classes that I would be teaching at MRCS, and kept trusting God, and praying that something would come along. Then on a whim (or by God's unseen leading, which is what my whims usually are) I checked the SCSBC website to see if there were any job postings, really not thinking there would be cause it was August after all, and there was one for LCS. It was a part time grade 3 position. I "decided" to apply, just to see what would happen. I was called for an interview, and was not really feeling good about it. Firstly, my interview was supposed to be at 4:30, I didn't go in until 5:00. I hadn't eaten yet, and I had worked all day at MRCS. I was tired and cranky by the time I left, and the position was split over 4 days, which wasn't ideal. I went to my friends house, had dinner, and then went home. A few day later I got a phone call saying that I had the job if I wanted it, and had 48 hrs to let them know one way or the other. So I talked to the principal at MRCS and she said that I should take it, cause it was a foot in the door, and the one day a week that I didn't work at LCS, I could still work at MRCS if I wanted (this didn't last long, they slowly phased out my position but I didn't enjoy it anyway ~highschool and L.A.). So I accepted the job, and have not regretted that decision since. I love working at LCS, the staff is great, and I have made so many friends there. I still have my moments and issues where I find it hard to trust in God's timing and his plan for me, but in this situation I definitely know that He was there!

College, University, and PDP oh my!!

So, this post may be boring, but it marks an important part of my journey. I graduated from high school in 1999, and that September started taking undergrad courses at Douglas College in Coquitlam. I took a lot of random things, mostly History and English as those were the subjects I did well in. I didn't really like college, it was too much like high school (attendance, small classes and I felt SO over that!! haha...), they never had any courses I wanted that would work together and the registration system was a nightmare. While I was there though worked in the college library for 2 semesters which was very boring, but paid for things. I shelved books, and organized periodicals and newspapers. Then after 4 semesters I transferred to SFU. This was not fun either. It was too big and I never connected with anyone, and as soon as my classes were over I would leave for home. I took a lot more English and History with a few Education classes thrown in for good measure. I knew what I wanted to be and took the classes that would get me there.

I applied for PDP in 2005, and got a letter saying that like 300+ people, I had not been accepted. Then that summer, I got a call saying they had opened up another module in Maple Ridge, and did I want to join. Of course I said, "YES" and started PDP in September. The first practicum went well. I was in a grade 3 class in Maple Ridge. Then the long practicum I was placed in a grade 5 class. It was hard, my sponsor teacher or S.A. was never around, he was doing other things in the school, so I was left to my own devices unless he was observing me. Then about Mid term I was blindsided by my F.A. and S.A. (Faculty Associate and School Associate) and they told me that they were going to put me on contract because I was not meeting expectations in my practicum and that if I wanted to pass I needed to get better at being organized, classroom management, and relating to the kids. So I was super stressed, because being on contract was not a good thing. I tried to improve, but really wasn't given suggestions, or supported, just told what I was doing wrong. So at the end of my practicum, they said that I had two options, one drop out and try again later, or extend my program for 2 weeks and go back to the grade 3 class. Of course to me failure was not an option (God wanted me to do this right?) so I extended my practicum. Of course at this point I was so tired, and overwhelmed and stressed and I got sick. I couldn't talk, I was coughing, sneezing, congested.... it was not good..... They people observing me picked on every little detail (I didn't smile enough (apparently my resting face is a frown, so I had to work extra hard to always be smiling) and  I read "Conquistador" wrong when reading a picture book....stuff like that). So I was forced to drop out. I was defeated, but they were impressed at how well I took it, cause I didn't yell, scream, put up a fight, or cry. Of course I didn't I was too shocked that this was happening to me, and wondered how this could possibly be in God's plan..... Hahaha. So I reapplied to the program, volunteered in Kindergarten, grade 4, subbed at my mom's school, and got a letter saying that I had to come to an interview to see if I was ready to be accepted back into the program.

I went to the interview, it seemed to go ok, and then I waited for a week and a half for a letter saying whether I got in or not. Those were they longest 10 days of my life!! I checked the mail everyday and waited at the window for the mail lady to deliver the mail. Finally I got the letter, and it said I was in. I started my practicum in January 2006. I was put in a 4/5 split in an alternative school in Coquitlam. (They really focused on Social Responsibility). It was a great experience. Everything they said were my weaknesses last time, were now my strengths. My S.A. was a little weird, but supportive, so that was good. I passed at the top of my class, and then the real job began. Looking for a job. This part of the story will have to wait till next time, cause I am tired of writing, and you are probs tired of reading. Plus it's really integral to my journey, so I want it to be a separate entry to give it more weight haha....now you are really interested right?

Through all these highs and lows He was there.....

Teacher's kid

So last entry was a little heavy, so today I thought I would share the start of my love for teaching... I am a teacher's kid. With that title comes an intimate knowledge of the behind the scenes of teaching. You get to see behind the facade of teachers, see them as more human then they let on during school. You see them joke with each other, complain about things, have races down the hall on office chairs, etc. You also get the run of the school. You can go anywhere, and do pretty much anything, (being a good girl, that didn't amount to much, but you could....) You were stuck there till 5 or 5:30 most nights ( we lived pretty far away from school so my mom could not drive me home then come back) and had to "fend for yourself" so your mom could get her work done. Luckily I had other teacher's kids to hang with. So a typical after school schedule was, drop off your backpack in mom's room, find other kids, hunt through the cloak rooms looking for forgotten lunches before the janitor's chucked them, feel excited when it was something good (usually all we found were apples),  find a fun place to play or hang out (usually the gym supply cupboard), eat found food (or pilfer rice cakes and TANG crystals and eat them), and jump on the mats, play hide and seek, or if no other kids were there, go and help the teachers. I did this a lot. I would help the teachers get things ready, find supplies they needed, chat with them, bother them probably, clean things (blackboards were fun...I know...sad....) play Where in the World is Carmen San Diego, or The Oregon Trail on the old Macintosh computer (not Mac, Macintosh!!~see above pic) and hope to leave ASAP. Fridays were the best, because on the way home we got Slurpees!! If my mom was feeling extra generous we also got Doritos to share! This immersion in the teaching profession really was what made me want to be a teacher to begin with. I loved being there, it was like a second home we were there so much. So my career path was forged in these experiences, and later I will talk about how the actual learning about becoming a teacher went, and the trials and experiences I had with PDP. For now though, I can say that one thing was certain, God had a plan for me, putting me in the family he did, with the strong female role model I have in my mom, who is also the best teacher EVER!! (after me of course). She has been my rock, my strength, my guide, and my place of safety here on earth, and I can always count on her to say the things I need to hear. She IS the reason I am a teacher, and I am so thankful for that!!

New Day

So after a hiatus, and a lot of thinking, I decided to start a new blog with a new feel, a new topic of discussion, a new experience....or maybe just the same ramblings as before, but with a new coat of paint. I don't know if anyone will want to read this, but it's more for me than anything, and if you do read it and anything strikes a cord with you, then hey, that's just dandy. I have recently been having some interesting conversations with people, and have had to step back, evaluate, and really dig deeper into my life and my ways of looking at myself. I have never felt extremely filled with joy or happiness, not to the point where I walk around with a smile plastered on my face day after day, hugging everyone I meet, and high-fiving strangers on the street. That's just not me, I don't experience those highs, and I am OK with that. I see the world as a temporary place, where I am called to be a witness and a servant of the most high, but not to see this place as anything permanent, it's not... I am waiting for my eternal home. So if the joy that is promised to us in the Bible is not going to be experienced by me here on earth, I know that I will experience that joy once I am in heaven.

My life has been filled with hardship and I don't like to talk about  it because it does not do to dwell on the things that you cannot change, the past is done, and I have to live with the consequences of the choices that I and others in my life have made, but to know what this blog will be exploring, I will travel down memory lane a bit (not in great detail), so that you and I will be able to see how I have arrived at this place, and maybe see where it is going to lead me in the future. I am an eternal optimist, I believe that God has good plans for me to bring me hope and a future, and I know that everyday I am getting closer to that future but I am not there yet ( how do I know I am not there?, because I am not in heaven). So let's travel back in time shall we, to 1981... I was born on May 8, to two young parents, my mom was 19, and dad 24. I was born slightly out of Wedlock, my mom and dad were married when she was 4ish months pregnant. I grew up with loving parents, for the first few years of my life, but my dad wasn't really the man he needed to be, and did not have the role models he needed to know what a dad is supposed to be like and supposed to do. He went from job to job, not staying at one thing for more than a few years, or months sometimes. He was never around (he worked shift work so when we were home or awake he was gone), and when he was home, he would close himself in my parents room and watch TV or play video games (atari or sega...I know I'm dating myself a wee bit). My mom was amazing though and took care of us as best she could, working full time to support us all. When my brother was born (I was 7 and a half) my dad was excited because he finally had a boy, and took interest in Chris a bit more, and I tried to get his attention too by taking interest in things that he enjoyed (canucks hockey, M.A.S.H, actors he liked, shows he watched... anything). It seemed to work sometimes, but not always, and he would push me away with his words or actions ( I remember one night around Christmas, my dad and I would always get the tree, that was our thing, it was like the only thing we did together, but this particular day I knew we were getting the tree so I got ready to go, but for some reason my dad didn't want to take me, he just wanted to go get it and come back as fast as possible, well I was devastated cause it had been tradition and now I was being rejected by him. Well my mom got mad at him and forced him to take me. I was happy to go, but in the back of my mind, finally realized that he really didn't care about spending time with me, it was more of a burden than anything. That is probably the day that my love for him died a little. I mean I still loved him cause he's my dad, but I realized that it wasn't mutual, not really.) So my mom and dad stayed together till I was in grade 12, and then my mom decided that she had enough and asked him to leave. He was not happy about it, and the day he left, he didn't even say goodbye, just packed up my uncles car, and left. That was pretty hard. So for most of my growing up time, once my brother arrived, I have felt the need to be a second parent. I took on that role as an older sibling, and it wasn't easy or fun, but I felt that I needed to cause my mom needed me. I don't regret that, cause I love my brother (although at the time he drove me crazy and knew how to push all my buttons to piss me off) and I love my mom (I love my dad too, but not in the same way, more like how you love a distant relative that you don't see very often and don't really know and who doesn't know you).

So through all of this (sorry for the longish history, I could have given more examples, and may do so later but not today), my faith in God and the relationship we have has been growing and developing. It hasn't been perfect, or easy cause I am human and selfish, and want things my way sometimes, and God always has his way of doing things, and those plans are not going to change, it is us that has to change, and bend. I just want to say for now, and will continue talking about my faith in future postings, (hopefully shorter ones, but maybe not), that God is in control and that no matter what I have to go through, no matter what valley I have to walk in, or hardship I have to endure, GOD IS MY CONSTANT. He is my anchor in each storm. He is there for me and he will NEVER let go. He LOVES me, He has made me WORTHY of His and all love and VALUABLE like treasure by the sacrifice he made on the cross. This is what this blog will be about, how I arrived at these conclusions, how I live in these truths, and how I struggle to maintain my hold on them when life is hard. He is HERE. Forever and always.

Laurie