New Day

So after a hiatus, and a lot of thinking, I decided to start a new blog with a new feel, a new topic of discussion, a new experience....or maybe just the same ramblings as before, but with a new coat of paint. I don't know if anyone will want to read this, but it's more for me than anything, and if you do read it and anything strikes a cord with you, then hey, that's just dandy. I have recently been having some interesting conversations with people, and have had to step back, evaluate, and really dig deeper into my life and my ways of looking at myself. I have never felt extremely filled with joy or happiness, not to the point where I walk around with a smile plastered on my face day after day, hugging everyone I meet, and high-fiving strangers on the street. That's just not me, I don't experience those highs, and I am OK with that. I see the world as a temporary place, where I am called to be a witness and a servant of the most high, but not to see this place as anything permanent, it's not... I am waiting for my eternal home. So if the joy that is promised to us in the Bible is not going to be experienced by me here on earth, I know that I will experience that joy once I am in heaven.

My life has been filled with hardship and I don't like to talk about  it because it does not do to dwell on the things that you cannot change, the past is done, and I have to live with the consequences of the choices that I and others in my life have made, but to know what this blog will be exploring, I will travel down memory lane a bit (not in great detail), so that you and I will be able to see how I have arrived at this place, and maybe see where it is going to lead me in the future. I am an eternal optimist, I believe that God has good plans for me to bring me hope and a future, and I know that everyday I am getting closer to that future but I am not there yet ( how do I know I am not there?, because I am not in heaven). So let's travel back in time shall we, to 1981... I was born on May 8, to two young parents, my mom was 19, and dad 24. I was born slightly out of Wedlock, my mom and dad were married when she was 4ish months pregnant. I grew up with loving parents, for the first few years of my life, but my dad wasn't really the man he needed to be, and did not have the role models he needed to know what a dad is supposed to be like and supposed to do. He went from job to job, not staying at one thing for more than a few years, or months sometimes. He was never around (he worked shift work so when we were home or awake he was gone), and when he was home, he would close himself in my parents room and watch TV or play video games (atari or sega...I know I'm dating myself a wee bit). My mom was amazing though and took care of us as best she could, working full time to support us all. When my brother was born (I was 7 and a half) my dad was excited because he finally had a boy, and took interest in Chris a bit more, and I tried to get his attention too by taking interest in things that he enjoyed (canucks hockey, M.A.S.H, actors he liked, shows he watched... anything). It seemed to work sometimes, but not always, and he would push me away with his words or actions ( I remember one night around Christmas, my dad and I would always get the tree, that was our thing, it was like the only thing we did together, but this particular day I knew we were getting the tree so I got ready to go, but for some reason my dad didn't want to take me, he just wanted to go get it and come back as fast as possible, well I was devastated cause it had been tradition and now I was being rejected by him. Well my mom got mad at him and forced him to take me. I was happy to go, but in the back of my mind, finally realized that he really didn't care about spending time with me, it was more of a burden than anything. That is probably the day that my love for him died a little. I mean I still loved him cause he's my dad, but I realized that it wasn't mutual, not really.) So my mom and dad stayed together till I was in grade 12, and then my mom decided that she had enough and asked him to leave. He was not happy about it, and the day he left, he didn't even say goodbye, just packed up my uncles car, and left. That was pretty hard. So for most of my growing up time, once my brother arrived, I have felt the need to be a second parent. I took on that role as an older sibling, and it wasn't easy or fun, but I felt that I needed to cause my mom needed me. I don't regret that, cause I love my brother (although at the time he drove me crazy and knew how to push all my buttons to piss me off) and I love my mom (I love my dad too, but not in the same way, more like how you love a distant relative that you don't see very often and don't really know and who doesn't know you).

So through all of this (sorry for the longish history, I could have given more examples, and may do so later but not today), my faith in God and the relationship we have has been growing and developing. It hasn't been perfect, or easy cause I am human and selfish, and want things my way sometimes, and God always has his way of doing things, and those plans are not going to change, it is us that has to change, and bend. I just want to say for now, and will continue talking about my faith in future postings, (hopefully shorter ones, but maybe not), that God is in control and that no matter what I have to go through, no matter what valley I have to walk in, or hardship I have to endure, GOD IS MY CONSTANT. He is my anchor in each storm. He is there for me and he will NEVER let go. He LOVES me, He has made me WORTHY of His and all love and VALUABLE like treasure by the sacrifice he made on the cross. This is what this blog will be about, how I arrived at these conclusions, how I live in these truths, and how I struggle to maintain my hold on them when life is hard. He is HERE. Forever and always.

Laurie